


Saving an Angel

by CastielMorningstar



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Dean Winchester Saves Castiel, Dean Winchester Whump, Despair, Fix-It, Hurt Dean Winchester, Love Confessions, M/M, Praying to Castiel (Supernatural), Spoilers, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielMorningstar/pseuds/CastielMorningstar
Summary: *MAJOR SEASON 15 SPOILERS THIS IS YOUR WARNING*(Set just after 15x18) Cas is gone, leaving Dean with a lot of unsaid words.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 166





	Saving an Angel

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all know I had to do this. This scene wrecked me and dragged me right back into the Destiel trashcan. Sorry.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

Those were the last words Castiel said before he got swallowed up by the empty, taking Death with him and leaving Dean alone in the bunker, the words he left unsaid clogging up his throat.

His head was spinning as he tried to take it all in, everything Cas had monologued about before he sacrificed himself for him.

Cas loved him.

Cas thought he was the kindest, most selfless man he’d ever met.

Cas said he’d changed him.

So many things were said that Dean’s brain couldn’t process it all, which was why after the words had first left the angel’s mouth, all Dean could do was stare with icy dread pooling in his stomach and beg the universe not to take him, “Don’t do this.”

He worried now it sounded like he wanted Cas to not say what he’d said. But it was just because he knew what would happen, what was going to happen if Cas let himself be happy and let the empty take him.

But it had happened. Cas had been taken to the empty after confessing his love for him, and Dean hadn’t said it back. Cas had died without knowing that Dean loved him more than anything in this world.

Everything inside Dean felt like it had fallen apart, especially his heart. His heart had never been so shattered before.

He felt numb inside because his mind couldn’t process anything that just happened, and he barely noticed his phone ringing, as he set it down and rested his head in his hands as the tears started to flow. “Cas-“he whispered through soft sobs, curling his body up where he sat, as if trying to somehow bring some comfort to him at all. But nothing would.

Cas was gone.

-

It took a few minutes and several missed calls for Dean to finally pull himself together enough to answer the phone, not wanting to alarm Sam with his teary voice.

“Hey-“he answered gruffly after clearing his throat, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Dean, why the hell did you take so long to answer?”

Dean’s eyes drifted to the open door to the dungeon, the angel sigil painted on the door in Cas’ blood, then the bloody handprint on his sleeve, and he nearly burst into tears again.

“Dean?”

But he did his best to swallow it down, swallow the pain and focus on the current situation with Sam, “S-sorry uh…we ran into some trouble with Billy.” He tried to make his voice as steady as possible, “C-cas-“he couldn’t Dean couldn’t tell them. He knew he should, but he just couldn’t bring himself to.

“Cas is finding another way to kill her.” He knew Sam and Jack may hate him for the lie, but he wanted to save them the heartbreak for a little longer.

“Okay.” Sam sounded a bit suspicious, but he didn’t pry anymore, “Anyway, so we have a problem. The warding didn’t work, and everyone is gone even Donna and she hasn’t even gone to another world-“

“It’s because it’s n-not Billy doing it.” Dean interrupted, his free hand clenched in a tight fist as he fought to keep his emotions under control, “It’s Chuck. Billy t-told us while we were fighting her.”

“And why should we believe Billy?”

Dean swallowed hard, trying to think of why, because if he told Sam that it was the only explanation since Billy was dead, he’d ask where Cas really was, and then he’d have to tell them everything.

“Because she has no reason to take people not from other worlds. Besides, I don’t think she has that power.” It was a good enough explanation.

There was a brief silence before Sam replied, “I suppose it makes sense. Because Dean, when I say everyone is gone…I mean everyone.”

“Everyone like?”

“Like on earth, I think. Except, me, you, Jack and Cas it seems. We’re driving back to the bunker now, and we haven’t seen one person anywhere. And the road is full of abandoned, empty cars.”

That was like a stab to the gut, and it brought fresh tears to Dean’s eyes. He was glad that Sam kept talking because he didn’t feel able to.

“But why would Chuck get rid of everyone? And, where are they? Are they dead? Are they just stored somewhere? It’s really weird, Dean.” 

Dean cleared his throat, blinked rapidly and sniffed, “Well come on back and we’ll figure something out. How far are you?”

“About twenty minutes or so.”

“Okay, see you then.” The second Dean pressed the hang up button, the tears started to slide down his cheeks again.

He allowed it for now, letting himself sit there and cry and grieve for five or so minutes, before he forced himself to shove all that pain back inside the box inside him, to deal with at some undetermined time. Like Sam said, if he let himself fully go there, fully accept and realize Cas was dead and also in love with him, he’d lose his mind. And the world was kind of at stake right now. So, he needed to stow it for now. Try and pretend that Cas really was just off doing some sort of research or something, and not in some void where he couldn’t reach him, alone, thinking Dean didn’t love him, possibly being tortured.

Dean shoved his phone in his pocket and slowly got to his feet, wiping his eyes thoroughly to ensure there was no evidence of his tears, and then slowly leaving the room and not looking back. He wouldn’t be able to go in that room ever again, because all he’d see was Cas in tears as he poured out his heart, before getting sucked into a void forever.

It seemed he’d been in there longer than he thought, because when he got out there, Sam and Jack were already entering the bunker. He cleared his throat and tried his best to look presentable and like his heart hadn’t been beaten to a pulp.

“Hey.” Sam descended the staircase with Jack close behind him.

Dean just nodded, not feeling strong enough to say much, and he just went and grabbed himself some whiskey from the kitchen, returning with the glass which was almost full.

When he got back, the pair were sat at the table, talking over plans.

“So where is Billy now?” Asked Sam and Dean shrugged, taking a large swig of his drink.

“Dunno.”

Sam watched as he chugged back the whiskey like it was water, “Dean, go easy.”

But Dean ignored him. He needed to numb his emotions, or they’d come bursting out.

When he was ignored, Sam took the half empty glass from him, “What’s up with you?”

Dean swallowed hard, “I’m just tired of Chuck’s games.” He ran a hand through his hair, “If he’s going to kill us why doesn’t he? I’m exhausted.”

Sam frowned, “What happened to making a plan?”

“I-“Lost the love of my life before I could even tell him he was that?

No, he couldn’t say that.

He cleared his throat, but before he could answer, Jack was tugging at his jacket, “Dean why is there a bloody handprint on your sleeve?”

Dean felt his internal walls crumbling, trying to turn to dust and he bit his lip hard and clenched his fists, trying with every ounce of energy in him to fight the wave of pain and grief that was rising up inside out of its box, “It…it’s-“

But he was crumbling fast and soon his body was shaking from the effort of suppressing his emotions, his lower lip trembling and his nose reddening. Shit.

“Dean?” Sam looked worried. Dean looked like he was about to collapse. “What happened?” he had a sneaking, awful suspicion rising in his gut, and he wanted so badly for it to be wrong, but the pieces were coming together so quickly in his mind, that he would be an idiot to ignore them.

“C-C-C-“ Dean coughed, gripping hard to the side of the table, his knees weak and Sam helped him sit down, but even then he continued to shake as his vision grew hazy, and no amount of blinking would keep the tears away, “C-Cas-“

He didn’t even need to fully say it, Sam and Jack could just tell.

Jack collapsed in the chair beside Dean, staring down at the ground, in the numb shock Dean had been in when he first took it in. Sam wasn’t saying anything either.

“He’s…he’s dead?” Jack spoke up in a strained voice and Dean nodded as the tears started to trickle down his face in torrents, choking out suppressed sobs but he could barely fight them anymore.

But he tried, because he needed to explain. They deserved an explanation.

“B-B-Billy-“he swallowed, “S-She cornered us…she w-was going to…to k-kill us both…then C-C-“ he could barely say his name, and he felt Sam’s hand on his back, rubbing gently and it gave him enough courage to continue, “C-Cas…he t-told me he made a…a d-deal with the empty.”

“He did what?” Sam’s voice was thick with tears too, but he was holding much stronger than Dean, and Jack just seemed to be in silent shock.

Dean nodded and sniffed, rubbing his face, deciding not to mention to Sam that the deal was to save Jack otherwise the kid would feel even guiltier, “H-he…he told me that…that the empty would t-take him when he was t-truly happy. Except h-he didn’t know w-what that w-was- “another sob escaped him, and he covered his mouth and scrunched up his face hard to try and not fall apart entirely, but he was struggling so hard. He couldn’t explain it all, and he wouldn’t anyway because he wanted some of it to be just for him to know, to savor that last moment.

“H-He told me…that he l-loved me- “

There was a silence only broken by Dean’s sniffles and hitched breaths, and his mind went back to that moment. As Cas poured out his heart to him, smiling as he cried, so full of relief and happiness despite his grief and knowing what was going to happen to him.

And he hadn’t said it back. Now it was too late.

Everything else in the world faded out and all there was was pain, and Dean was unable to control it anymore. He let his walls finally collapse all the way, and he cried like he never had before. Barely able to breathe, chest burning, eyes on fire pain.

“H-h-he told m-me that h-he l-l-loved me…and I-I said n-n-nothing as he w-was dragged a-away forever!” he wailed, “I-I didn’t get t-to say it b-b-back…and now I n-never can. I-I loved h-him Sammy…I-I l-loved him- “

And there it was, out in the open, sobbed out in a cry of desperation to the universe.

Tears were trickling down Sam’s face now too, but he was trying to stand strong for his brother who had completely fallen apart, “I-I know you did.” It was obvious to him that the two had something more than friendship going on, but he’d never pried because he felt that was their business, as annoying as it was to watch them pine for years. But now he almost wished he had forced them together, because now it was too late. It was tragic in every sense.

Dean’s head fell into his arms on the table and he just cried and cried. He felt someone else come over and put a hand on his arm, Jack, and the two held onto him while he sobbed for his lost love.

-

Eventually Dean asked for some space, and Jack and Sam left, presumably to mourn as well, and Dean slowly sat up, wiping his newly wet face and inhaling a shaky breath.

His eyes scanned over the carvings in the table, the initials. His, Sam’s and Mary’s.

Without much of a second thought, Dean pulled his pen knife out of his pocket, flipping it open only to feel like he’d been stabbed himself as he saw the remnants of Cas’ blood on it from where he’d cut his hand so he could paint the sigil on the door.

He closed his eyes, swallowed and took a deep breath before opening them again and wiping the blood onto the jacket. He’d already planned to never wash it again, to cling to the last remaining part of Cas that he had left, so what was a little bit more blood.

Once it was clean, he blinked his eyes clear and pressed the blade into the wood. His hands were shaking still, but he did his best to force them steady as he carved into the table.

He carved and carved, until there was a clear ‘C’ carved beside the other initials. But it felt wrong just having one letter, and Dean knew what was needed to be added.

And ten or so minutes later, there was a ‘W’ next to it.

Castiel Winchester.

He was a Winchester after all.

-

Luckily for them, Chuck wasn’t messing with them anymore since there literally weren’t anymore people, so Dean and the others took the rest of the day to grieve. 

Sam lead a toast at dinner, but Dean barely raised his glass before he got too close to bursting into tears, and he stood up, “I-I need to go- “

Sam stood up too, “Where? Dean, it’s dangerous to be heading out anywhere alone right now and- “

But Dean stopped him, his expression serious yet broken, “Sam…I need this.”

And seeing the look on his face, Sam sighed and nodded, “Alright. But please call and check in, okay?”

Dean nodded, “Promise.” And headed straight for the garage. His keys were always in his pocket, as was his phone and he had no need for a wallet now with no people around.

He got straight into the car, started her up and drove.

-

Dean drove for hours, losing track of anything that wasn’t what he deemed important.

He didn’t even play music, just listened to his own thoughts, only stopping for necessities like to grab some snacks from an empty convenience store or top up his gas tank.

Dean didn’t even know how he knew how to get there. It had been so long since he’d been there, but some how he just knew.

And much later, he pulled up at the barn where he and Cas had first met. Just seeing the place had him weak at the knees, had his eyes tearing up. But he took a breath, and slowly walked towards it, his heartbeat pounding in time with every step.

It was already old and worn when he’d been there 11 years before, now it was barely standing. But regardless, he went on, and then found the doors bolted shut.

That was no problem. Dean immediately retrieved the bolt cutters from the trunk and returned, easily cutting through the rusted chain. He shoved it aside and pulled open the creaky door and blinked as he looked around.

The sigils they’d painted on the walls all those years ago, they were still there.

“Funny thing is none of those worked on you huh?” Dean gave a strained chuckle as he walked inside, “We never accounted for angels when we thought up who had saved me from hell…but then here you were.” He turned now he was inside the barn and faced the open doors.

What felt like a lifetime ago flashed before his eyes, as the lights flickered and sparked, and the doors flew open to reveal a disheveled man in a trench coat.

“Remember when I stabbed you? Maybe not a great first impression, I know.” Dean was just speaking aloud, it felt good. “But hey, to me at the time, you were just another monster. But you’re far from that- “a lump started to form in his throat and Dean just let it exist. He was alone here; he’d cry if he had to.

“But you aren’t just an angel Cas…y-you…you are…were- “his chest seared with pain, “Our b-best friend. The most l-loyal, hardworking, caring m-man who never g-gave up on me even when I t-treated you like shit…and I can n-never thank you enough f-for all you’ve done for us…for m-me.”

The hunter slowly sunk to his knees as the tears started to flood free, “F-for years I hid the f-fact that I liked men. I-I was terrified of it…terrified of myself. And o-only when I saw you being s-so open, so yourself, did I f-feel like maybe I could be too…you inspired me C-cas. You inspire m-me so much.” He choked back a sob, “And s-slowly but surely you crept your w-way into my heart, you s-sneaky son of a bitch.” He laughed because if he didn’t, he’d have sobbed.

“B-But I was s-still too much of a coward to t-tell you…and now-“ his voice broke and a sob had him bending in half, “N-now it’s too l-late…but I’m g-going to tell you anyway…e-even if you c-can’t hear me, because y-you deserve to h-hear it. I love you Cas. I-I’ve loved you for so long, and I will c-continue to until you’re b-back here and I c-can tell you myself.”

He slowly sat up, wiping his face and sniffing, looking up with determination, “I-I will bring you back C-Cas. I will not let you s-stay there forever. I will s-save you…just like you saved me.” And as he stared upwards at the ceiling, his eyes falling closed as he remembered that day that changed everything, he smiled, “You really were my guardian angel after all. But now…now I’m going to be yours.”


End file.
